by Tyler Fransen
Last week I wrote about the trials and tribulations associated with arguably the ‘first world-iest’ of first world problems: school supply shopping.
This week, it is a complete 180, because we are talking about unsolicited pics of your crotch. This column comes in the wake of yet another Anthony Weiner ‘weiner’ scandal, only this time he had his kid in the picture of his ‘congressional staff.’
His kid! For the love of all that is right in this world, if you are going to send an unwanted picture of your junk, leave the kids out of it! But I digress.
Congressman Weiner, I believe has a serious medical condition called “Hitting Send-itus.” It is a very serious condition that affects millions in the United States, and possibly billions globally.
“Hitting Send-itus” has only one treatment, and many of those afflicted by it are not welcome to the idea of the solution. The cure is simple: Do not hit send!
It sounds barbaric, and perhaps even a little condescending, but in this case it is the only way. You would not tell a depressed person to quit being sad, or tell someone with bronchitis to stop coughing, but in this instance, and this instance alone, a person can only treat “Hitting Send-itus” by not hitting send.
And it is not easy either. Some experts have even compared it to quitting smoking cold turkey, but it can be done. Congressman Weiner, if you ever read this, please allow me to give you some pointers.
For starters, if you think that the picture you are about to send to some attractive woman who is not your wife might jeopardize your marriage, expose you to more public ridicule, make you the butt of every joke about your unfortunate last name and/or heighten your uncanny ability to keep screwing things up for you and your family, do not hit send.
“Hitting Send-itus” does not stop with pictures either, oh no! Racist tweets, drunken Facebook rants, wild night Snapchats, World Star Hip Hop, all of these are directly related to “Hitting Send-itus.”
Congressman, take a lesson from rapper Azealia Banks. Her tweets directed at former “One Direction” singer Zayn Malik about his mother being a dirty refugee cost her a spot at a music festival, loss of sponsorships and money. Plus she got schooled by 14 year old Disney star, Skai Jackson. Do you want to get schooled by a 14 year old, Mr. Weiner? No? So do not hit send.
Or take a page out of Donald Trump’s book. You know Donald right? He has a bunch of real-estate in New York, he is running for President against Hillary Clinton whom your wife currently works for, does this ring a bell? Well anyway, Trump is notorious for sending ‘controversial’ (and that is putting it lightly), tweets about, well, anything. Do you want to be known as nothing but a guy with a big ego in politics who can not keep his thoughts to himself? No? Well then do not hit send!
In spring of 2016 a video of NFL rookie, Laremy Tunsil, surfaced on Twitter wherein he is apparently smoking pot out of a gas mask. Sure he is now making millions of dollars playing football, and yeah this really has not affected him too much, but he is now playing for the Miami Dolphins, and that is punishment enough. Do you want to play for the Miami Dolphins, Mr. Weiner? No? Then do not hit send.
And lastly congressman, we have the final shining example of why you do not hit send: You. This is at least the third time you have been caught, and this time your wife has decided to separate from you; you go Huma Abedin! Your political career is over, you have soiled the name of the Democratic party, or at least you have soiled it for this week, you have potentially exposed your infant son to unwanted publicity and above all else you have lost virtually all credibility. It is things like this that we regular people can get into pretty serious trouble over, but you have the advantage, congressman. You have influence, money and (albeit very little) power.
If I was in your position, not only would I never hit send for the third time, I would not have hit send for a first time. Since I am not in your position however, if I were to send something out like that I could face legal trouble and possibly never being able to talk to women again.
So to Congressman Anthony Weiner, and anyone else who thinks that it is a good idea to send out a picture of your junk, say something racist about a celebrity or potentially be drafted by the Miami Dolphins, do us all a favor, and do not hit send.