Tyler’s Tyrades

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By Tyler Fransen

    I loathe with every fiber of my body the idea of “back to school” sales. Actually, truth be told, I don’t like back to school shopping as a whole. It’s such a stupid thing to hate, right?

How can one possibly hate the idea of getting 30 percent off retail price on a Darth Vader backpack? Or saving five bucks on binders? Let me tell you why it’s stupid.

Reason number one: That Darth Vader backpack was probably made by some kid in a third world country with lax child labor laws and a greedy CEO to boot, so have fun with that on your conscience.

 

Reason number two: Those binders you saved five bucks on? Yeah they’re worthless pieces of garbage, because god forbid you actually try to put paper in the pockets! The pockets just rip, tear or get stretched out after putting like 10 sheets in there!

Now you might be thinking, “Just get a three-hole punch and stick them in the rings of the binder.” First of all, I’ve already reserved those rings for the 250 pieces of loose-leaf paper I’m going to take notes on, so there’s no room for other items! (Now, in the interest of fairness, of those 250 pieces of paper, about 15 of them will actually be used for notes, but that’s neither here nor there).

Second of all, where am I going to get a three-hole punch from? The office? The bookstore? The office supply store? My profess… you know what, don’t answer that last question.

Reason number three: Basic supply and demand economics will tell me that demand for school supplies will be at its peak when back to school starts. The same thing applies when it goes the other way; demand will be at its lowest once back to school is no longer a seasonal trend.

 

    I could be completely wrong here, but if basic economics still applies to modern America, those same items on sale, will be at the same price or lower once they’re out of season and demand is lower.

Again, I could be completely wrong, because I only ever shop for school supplies during back to school sales so I haven’t been able to test this theory just yet. Despite that, American capitalism has yet to fail me… well, at least this week it has yet to fail me.

Reason number four: Do you really want to be shopping with all the other soccer moms and their disease harboring children, while they all but bash each other’s skulls open for that last pack of multicolored pencils?

No, no you don’t, because you’re an adult, who behaves like one in a civilized society. And besides, you know that Kathy is going to be shopping there today,

she posted about it on Facebook for the zillionth time.

You and Kathy haven’t been getting along lately since that last PTA meeting where you said, “we should try something other than a bake sale this year.” Yeah, Kathy was not happy with you that day. Although she has been on edge since she found out her husband cheated on her with Debra from down the street.

Personally, I think Kathy had it coming, I mean the signs were all there. Debra and Paul were always seen together getting coffee, going to the gym together, taking cooking classes. I mean really, cooking classes? No heterosexual man takes cooking classes with another woman unless his goal is to… well you get the idea.

So yeah, it’s probably best if you just avoided the whole Kathy mess today. Oh and don’t even get me started on Carol’s drama.

Reason number five: Textbooks are too expensive. Pretty self-explanatory here, but to give you an example, when I was at another school I once paid at least a hundred dollars for a book that I didn’t even need. The book that I actually needed was back ordered through September and I had to buy the online version. (First world problems, I know).

 

Finally, reason number six: Quite literally everything you can think of that you need for the school year, can be found online. There’s no hustle and bustle, no Kathy or Debra or even Carol for that matter. There’s no screaming children, no mini- vans taking up all the parking spots and especially no crowds. Heck, you don’t even have to wear pants to shop online, you can literally wear nothing but a bathrobe and some underwear. Heck you don’t even need underwear, all you really need is a credit card and some snacks.

Plus, the regular store doesn’t have the GMO-free, organic, all- natural, no hormone, grass-fed pencils that you like.

So, my fellow Mavericks, as we begin the journey once again, do yourself a favor and try to avoid the chaos that is back to school shopping, if you can.

If you can’t avoid it, then just remember not to make eye contact with Kathy.

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